So weird how sometimes now I feel like I'm able to remember more things about my past.  Sometimes I can't remember sh!t still other times...
Dunno, it's weird. Like all of a sudden today as I was riding in the car my mom points out this dog and she's like that's a pretty nice lookin dog and all of a sudden I hear myself say "Yeah, looks like M's old dog."   M was my childhood best friend she moved away when we were in 1st grade.  I was trying to remember her dogs name and I couldn't I thought it was some kind of human name but couldn't remember until about 5 minutes later.  Then just a minute ago I was thinking about how nervous I am about going back to my old work, what if I forget someones name?!! So I was trying to think of people and I thought of my supervisors husband.  I was thinking that I think his name is Joe and then thought wow that's really weird because when I was little I had a friend who's dad was named Joe and they kind of remind me of each other.  I think I had thought he seemed familiar when I last worked there, now I'm like oh I bet that's what it was only I couldn't remember.  They really do seem a lot like each other, it's kind of creeping me out right now lol! I can't believe I didn't see that before. 
Anyway. I should be getting dressed only I for some reason have no clue what to wear. 

Yesterday afternoon I ended up going out grocery shopping with mom.  It started out bad as usual...maybe worse. But then I was aware that Broken and 12 were there so that made me really happy but really frustrated at the same time. By the end of shopping though it was good, I was frustrated and they were just having fun lol. I have no clue if that makes any sense that I could be frustrated but glad at the same time? I was though. I was just kind of laughing at "myself". I think some others were about but not really sure, Broken and 12 were the strongest. They seem to be the strongest here at home. I'm certain the little ones are around but I'm guessing they are actually working hard to help us maintain sanity so I might be aware of them for the briefest second then poof. I think I'm pretty walled off from them. Though I did hear from them the other night for sure, I do remember that.  Oops. Promised them a movie, is what I did lol. Better write it down before I forget! I
So I'm feeling better that they haven't gone and they are still with me.
:)

Well, everything has gone back underground.  It's been pretty quiet and when I do hear stuff I guess I'm pretty tuned out.  I don't really like this, this old way of functioning it's so uncomfortable.  I don't feel like me.  I forgot what that was like...  Except now I guess I know what "me" is and I know if I get out of here I'll be able to be "me" again.  I just don't like this hiding.  I had one nightmare about it several months ago.  I haven't finished reading any of my DID books, haven't really done much journaling either in the Moleskine or the blogs...  I don't really feel like it, nothing to say.  Just feel like I'm working so hard at covering this up, so nervous about someone in my house finding this stuff.  I kept thinking everyone would comeback at some point but they haven't, I sometimes wonder if maybe I really did make it all up.  I know what happens though when I indulge in that thought too much...I get smacked in the face big time with some reminder.  I don't know, this therapist guy is supposed to be back on Tuesday...I'm not even sure how I feel about calling him to set up an appointment.  I feel like everything I have to say is now buried, like it's not important, there's nothing to talk about.  Just like before when I lived here.  Feel like I can't even say the slightest thing. Feel like even saying all this is maybe saying too much. 

Had a panic attack this morning.  Was flipping out about moving again.  It was both terror of never getting back out of this house and this town and terror about moving some place that I at times freak out about being in.  It's just really strange to me, the us older ones have a terrible fear of being here the younger ones have their fears but they still like it here. The younger ones however, have a terrible fear being in CA.  I mean us older ones have fears about the u n c l e but we still like CA much better.  I know it's unlikely he'll show up, just like it's unlikely he'll call for birthdays or holidays anymore.  I can still feel that fear though running around.

I mentioned to my mom that I had, had a panic attack about getting out of here. She knows I want to move but doesn't know all this stuff I'm dealing with.  I didn't want to think about all of  this but, find it's happening anyway so...  Anyway while we were talking she starts yet again sharing all this stuff I don't want or need to know.  Went to go take a shower and found I was still thinking about the u n c l e.  Why is it my mom will tell me all the things I don't want to know and don't need to know but she won't tell me about the things I do want and need to know? Ok, so we (as in my myself and us) argue about whether we want to know or not but...wanting to know seems to outweigh not wanting).  She just randomly drops info in conversations like he had been in some legal trouble, he got fired, he's been on some strong anti psychotics.  Anytime I've tried to ask about why he gives me severe heebie jeebies though she gives me some bizarre reply and clams up.  

It's the only thing in my past that I wish I knew for certain. I just makes me feel nuts. I mean some of the other flashbacks make me feel nuts but this is different somehow.  I mean do some people just for no reason give you the heebie jeebies really really bad like that? Do people just randomly want to burn or rip to shreds and violently distroy pictures for no reason?


Some time later:
I could see how the insiders won't say anything about other people, I know that would really distroy me. Those were people I depended on, people I cared for, people who cared for me...  My uncle though I have nothing but hatered and loathing for. I know it's kinda not about me, it's about those individual insiders but in that round about way it is me...  I don't know I'm lost and confused as usual. This for me is the frustrating part of trauma and multiplicity. The denial and what to believe.

I wrote this out somewhere else. I thought it would be good to repost it here though too. It's been one year and I think 2 months since the day I could no longer deny my insiders.

I thought this had been locked. I thought they had made a new password a new address and thrown them away. I guess once again some one knew better than I.
Here it is one year later. One year after that scary truth about who and 'what' I am finally came spilling out of the closet in to plain view where I could no longer over look it.
I can't say why I'm back writing here. Just that some part of me I guess knew I would again need an anonymous place to write. Anonymous place where someone somewhere might stumble upon it and read it. It doesn't matter if I know them or not. It doesn't matter if they reply or not.
So I guess this is back open.

How are things one year later? Better in a lot of ways. That doesn't make it easy. Some days are good some days are bad. Some days are utterly unbearable and I worry if I can hold on. Yes, I know I said things are better in a lot of ways. It is better than wondering and not knowing. Better than being in the dark. Better than having my own mind keeping secrets from me. I have to say I'm back in a place that is very very bad for me. Certain plans I was trying to make fell through. Parts of me worry I'll never get out of here. Parts of me want to give up all hope. I try so hard to hang on to the hope for them, I try so hard to tune into this stronger part of me. I've had to face some very scary flashbacks and new information that may tie into those. I had to face that issues from childhood actually affected me more than I let myself believe. I buried those feelings so far down, they came bubbling back at Father's day. More bubbled out following.

I still go through the denial. But it too is better. Now that people have told me that it never truly goes away. I don't know why but that makes it easier. Sometimes I feel still like I'm a total liar. Sometimes I still feel like I'm completely psycho. I am sure for a few people it does look that way. I'm trying to accept what other tell me and what doc's have told me. I'm not psycho. I still some days just wait, expecting I'll all of a sudden go psycho. Real psycho. Being in this environment I feel like it's just around the corner. I realize that my time away from here, from home has now allowed me a different perspective. I realize how bad it really is/was. This is where I try to believe others and the doc's because, I am really not sure how did (ok I think there is a slight joke here) I survive it? How did I survive everything I've experienced in life.

I can't say why this is back open. Why I'm writing here again. Just that I'm struggling with something. Part of me is very very hurt. I feel like I don't even comprehend why. I'm so frustrated and tired. See it's gotten better because there is some communication, it's just ...some days...not very good. Some days it's just very frustrating. At least now I can think things over a little easier. It's not always perfect but, it's better. I'm working hard not to lash out and to get to the root of why there is that urge.

So I guess I'm writing because maybe someone might stumble upon this that is still in the darkness. Someone that feels less hopeful. Maybe you had it once, I did. Maybe you lost it, I did. I bet you'll find it again, I am. Just hold on. I'm trying even though I'm so tired. "If you ever find your self in hell...keep walking"  you know what will happen if you sit down right? You'll still be in hell. It get's better if you keep going. It's often one step forward two steps back, but it does get better.

I don't know what will happen now. I almost said I don't know who will win out on this, what's going on right now. Really I think it's I don't know if this is going to come down to a battle for me or if it will fade away, or if something else will happen. I don't know.

Well, we're headed back home in a few days. Eeps. Dad is coming out to see the place and help. Eeeps. So things are a little crazy. It's been an intense semester anyway. 

Anyway. I see someone on another one of my blogs was looking for this Dissociative Experiences Scale
It's the test used to look for Dissociative Disorders.  I don't like the web things because of course you should go talk to a Psych. if you think you might or if things are bothering you. I like the test in the book Stranger in the Mirror. If you google "Stranger in the Mirror" the book website will come up there's some good links and things there.  Most people get freaked out over normal stuff like highway hypnosis (where your riding in a car or driving and you get to where your going but don't remember the drive.), or watching a movie or doing some activity and getting so engrossed in it you loose track of time. Everyone dissociates on some level. When it's getting in the way of family, friends, work, etc and it's really bothering you or upsetting you, then you should see a professional about it. 

Which speaking of, I need to figure out if I'm going to have time to do when I'm home. Since I don't know how long I'm going to be there. I'd like to see if I can get some help about how to go about this if I move again. I have really never looked for a doc on my own. So I don't know, I'm kinda curious about doing that test with a psych...I always score insanely high on the ones I do by myself lol.

I have 11 days no cutting, no scratching, no picking scabs, no punching things, no scalding myself in the shower, no scrubbing till my skin is raw.

I'm working on day 12. I didn't wake up with it in my head so, maybe that's good. It started to creep in about an hour after that though. Yesterday I didn't do squat because I was trying to stay distracted and it seemed like the only thing that was working was tv.  My roommates are gone so, otherwise I probably would have been working and watching tv. Now I really need to get down and study but...agg. I need to read somethings online. Being stuck in my room seems to not be a good place to study. Too rainy for me to feel like walking to the library.  I want this day 12!!!

Made a new friend yesterday too, that helped a little. Just sucks, yet another new friend that I will be leaving.

Other than this voice that won't shut up about how much she needs and wants to cut, it's been rather quiet I think in this ol head of mine. Ok minus the occasional freak out over realizing there are plural pronouns going through my head. That's just freakin creepy to me sometimes. I'll just be in a fog and then all of a sudden it's like it clears and I hear everything and it creeps me out that...I don't know it's like there are two different conversations going on. Like, I think it's just me and I'm using singular pronouns then at the same time it's like there is the same conversation going using plural pronouns if that make any kind of sense. Like my brain is split the left half using one pronoun the right half using the other, only I think that I'm the only half then all of a sudden this dividing line fades and I realize that I only think I have been using singular, stopping to listen the whole conversation has been plural. Ok I have no clue if that made any sense and my brain hurts even trying to think about it and how to explain that, which is why probably my whole entire life I never attempted it haha. I just ignored it cause it was flippin weird.

Got new clothes cant seem to agree on. Semi compromise, I don't know.  I have to whittle it down bought way too much haha. I hate how ever since about 4 years ago or so when I started to listen more, my whole budgeting and savings went.  I used to be so damn miserly lol.  Now it's such a struggle, I hate it.  I don't know how to go back. It's overwhelming me right now. blah!

    Got into another random blog we started. Ugh. Now I'm wondering how many people saw that. I'm hoping people weren't so smart as to go searching for that email addy on that site. Then I had to change my main blog because i wondered if my dad would find it. He asked the other day if I had a blog lol.
    Realize I should probably cut down the number we have. See if we can't agree just to keep a manageable number. Sigh. That seems like such a huge task!
    Major headache going on. Keep forgetting what I want to write.
    I don't really know how to psych myself up to read all the stuff that was written in those blogs either. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't, it's like looking into a totally seperate persons blog. (You know what I mean).
    I'm listening to the music that got posted to the one site. Wow! I mean it's good stuff, just not stuff I would have posted really. Definitely captures everyone I think. Ok nope I found one I am throughly embarrassed about! Wow, that was cheesy.
    Forgot what else I wanted to say. Darn.

Well Neutral came by in therapy today. Doc never would have found out but Neutral kept cracking up at the fact that she kept thinking it was me. Neutral kept trying to give hints and things, and at the same time not give herself away. She didn't want to give her name, I kind of made her though haha. Then the doc made me come back at the end. I didn't like that too much, so I didn't comeback all the way. It made me feel nauseous. I was all the way in the living room just hanging out listening. Then I started to comeback more to the front. It was icky, swimmy feeling. Siren came back too though, she was probably more front than I was, she sorta giggled when we left and asked if she should have told. I said probably not haha. I don't mind Siren up front too much. It's true though I don't know how to have more control over where I am. I do just kind of get shoved aside. I'm ok with it sometimes, as long as nothing bad is happening. (They laughed when doc said something about pushing me aside. "We are a pushy bunch haha"). I guess I'm scared that she wants the whole "I" word thing to happen. Don't want that. Sure we'd like to work together better and have better communication. It would be nice for others to better step in when things are going wrong (like someone is over reacting *ahem* and the rest of us would like to take a min to think things out. Would rather the hasty person not hog the top spot). So I don't know, just scared about that now. It was my worst fear I guess. I'm hoping that's not what she meant. I can't think about it too much, makes me more nauseous.

I shared with my doc 8 of us. This week she wants to see the drawings etc of everyone. There are a few I need to print out (digital photos) but I have been procrastinating.

Was thinking how funny it is that the one male voice that I actually hear, is a voice of abuse. I know that, that probably makes a lot of sense huh? Still, just interesting.  I have a feeling there maybe a 12 year old boy about. Something about me being able to figure out technological stuff and not have a clue how I did it. I think maybe he popped out of the fact that my brother is so gifted with mechanical type things (he's actually not really. He gets frustrated way more easily than I do...er I guess my other does, cause I do get so frustrated) and everyone would pay so much attention to him etc etc.  You know they would tell me I could do anything I wanted, but maybe that's just something people say.  Whenever I actually wanted to do something or expressed interest in something, it was just laughter or telling me I couldn't do that. My dad would tell me not to mess with the computer or I would break it somehow or get a virus on it etc.  Except that I always knew how to fix it if it wasn't working right. Don't know how I knew what I was doing.  It just feels like when ever someone gets like that with me or says I can't do something that there is this part that says "well, I'm not a girl and I can do anything even if I was a girl. Though girls are kinda icky  and silly haha"  Dunno hard to describe when it's not around. It was around big time when I went to see my cousins this summer. My cousin kept saying things like that to me (and saying how great and smart my brother was and too bad he wasn't there) and I was getting pissed about it.

The other scary thing is there are a lot of random people names popping into my head, some of them have ages.  I have no clue what that is about. One says she was with this guy I was seeing for a minute. Dunno. Just confusing and strange.

Losing concentration ...not sure when I started this feels like hours ago but I think it was just a few minutes or an hour?